Is the person you’re with really the one you love, or loved at some point? I have seen many of couples trying to live their lives pretending to love each other. And I get it, most of them have kids that need to see that mommy and daddy are happy together. But what happens in the long run, those who have been through this know where I’m heading with this.
Kids are not dumb; they see the little things that parents do that do not seem right. You as a parent think you're slick covering things up, you are not fooling anyone including your children. Your parents see it, your friends see it, and yes, your children see it. I am no expert, but I have tried helping couples re-kindle that love for each other again. And when I say couples, I mean friends that have gone through this. (I must say four out of the seven that I did help are still together to this day.) It wasn’t easy by any means, not for them or me. One in particular took nine months to reconcile, and the culprit in all that was money and lack of communication.
In my opinion, lack of communication is the number one killer of relationships. If you don’t talk things out, you will never have a healthy relationship. Even if you wake up one morning and decide I don’t love this person anymore guess what, you still need to talk about it. A lot of couples are scared to bring up the conversation for fear of retaliation from the other person. I’m not saying just blurt it out, but calmly discuss the issues that brought you to this point. You might even discover that there are reasons the other person was acting weird or saying the things they said. Hell, you may even discover you were a big part of the issue yourself. But you will never know if the conversation is avoided.
Do you really want to go through life pretending all is good and dandy, you know as well as I do once that builds up and neither one of you can contain it anymore that will become an explosion no one wants. And if you have kids, it becomes even worse, once those kids see, and hear that storm of words and feel the animosity created by the silence, their frame of mind changes towards both of you. Do the children have a choice in the matter? No, all they can do is wait, and hope that everything gets better, or see which parent they end up with. The children know that you both love them, but now sit in a whirlwind of thoughts as to who is the best parent for me, “daddy does this with me,” “but mommy loves doing this.” If you think your relationship is spiraling, maybe you should step in your child’s shoes after seeing and hearing everything you parents say and do.
Let’s stay a little longer on how the children of an unhappy couple have to continue to deal with all this. A quick scenario, let us say the relationship has reached a point where divorcing is the only solution. Ok, one of the parents moved out, and the kids see them every other weekend this goes on for 6 Months and everyone is kind of ok with the arrangement. Then after 8 Months, a new partner is introduced to the children and the kids just happen to adore them after meeting this new person a few times. Now, lets deal with the reality of this situation. There is a 50/50 chance of the other partner not liking what is going on. The list below are the possibilities of how this is going to be managed.
· The child/children are no longer able to visit the parent that moved out unless court ordered.
· The children will be used to gather information, which may be used against the other parent.
· Jealousy kicks in, and you start making life unbearable for the other parent.
· The child starts to be manipulated and told things that they really don’t need to know, just to dislike the other parent.
I really, really wish that the above list wasn’t factual, but we all know it is. It is human nature to try and have more power than the other person. And unfortunately using the children to achieve that goal is a thing that happens more likely than not.
What are the main factors associated with divorce:
· Lack of commitment 73%
· Argue too much 56%
· Infidelity 55%
· Married too young 46%
· Unrealistic expectations 45%
· Lack of equality in the relationship 44%
· Lack of preparation for marriage 41%
· Domestic violence or abuse 25%
(The above information was provided from https://www.wf-lawyers.com)
Reading the above list shows the problems that may occur in relationships, Below I will give my thoughts and ideas on how to try and avoid these problems.
“Lack of commitment”- Divulge your intentions right from the beginning. That’s what dating is for, if the other person doesn’t like what you have to say, then this is not the right person for you in this stage of your life.
“Argue too much”- Everyone argues, that’s a given. But does anyone take the time to listen to the other person. One is wrong, one is right, or maybe you are both right. And now you’re arguing over something that can be calmly talked about. Ask questions, if those specific questions are not being answered find alternative question that may lead to why the first questions were not answered. That does not mean bombard the other person with questions, ask and wait.
“Infidelity”- This action is a matter of choice, and not one person in the world can tell me it is not. If your involved with someone, “That is your someone,” you made the choice to be with them. Going out and cheating on that someone is not going to fix the issues at home. As a matter of fact, it will definitely make it worse. But you decide to go out and find a person to talk to outside of your relationship, (Not Family) and to this person you divulge all the bad things you’re going through in your relationship not to mention the lack of sex, because of all the ongoing issues. 7 times out of 10 that person you’re talking to was already someone you have been with, or already know they are interested in you. Whether it is denied or not, subconsciously there is a hidden agenda. It always starts off with pouring your heart out to this person, “Hoping they can help.” Everyone knows how that ends.
“Married to young”- This action is also a choice, but I really can’t say much about it. I was married young, and we were together for 24 years. And possibly longer if it wasn’t for the cancer that took her. Statistics show that age 28 is the sweet age for marriage, but there are those rare occasions that marriage at a younger age works out.
“Unrealistic Expectations”- This one is touchy, only because both sides of the relationship have their own unique expectations. “One or the other thinks that the relationship should revolve around them.” “One or the other thinks that everything needs to be done together.” And the worse expectation is the “Thinking the other person will change.” Once again this is what dating is for, work these little issues out before committing to any relationship. And everyone already knows the incredibly low percentage of changing other people.
“Lack of equality in the relationship”- This issue should not even play a part in a relationship. If you as a couple can’t see eye to eye and treat each other with respect, there is no need to be together. A relationship is based on fulfilling each other’s needs and seeing yourselves as equals in the relationship. No if ands, or buts about it “Enough said.”
“Lack of preparation for marriage”- Most couples rush into marriage for one reason or another, but do they take into consideration the impact of not preparing properly. Proper preparation is crucial for marriage, and I’m not talking about the materialistic part of marriage. The couple needs to be mentally prepared, as well as financially. It is understandable thinking that love can get you through anything, the truth of the matter is that love can only keep your bond strong for so long. That bond can be broken at a rapid pace by many factors of being unprepared, to avoid having problem in a marriage be ready to fulfill these steps.
· Ready and willing to help each other.
· Ready to forgive each other.
· Know what each of your possessions are and be willing to part with whatever is not agreed upon when thinking about living together.
· Know each other’s financial status. (Very important for future plans. And be able to back each other if financial issues arise.)
· Ready to have the lines of communication open at all times.
“Domestic violence or abuse”- If either partner is going through this issue you need to call this number 800-799-7233. National Domestic Violence Hotline. English/Spanish speaking phone operators. That is all I’m touching on this subject.
If you want a great relationship with someone, get to know that person. There are a lot of little things that people overlook, and just because you say “I love you” doesn’t mean it ends there. Little things to know about your partner.
· Favorite color.
· Favorite flower.
· Favorite bird.
· Favorite food.
· Favorite refreshment
· Favorite show, Etc.
These are just a few things to know about a partner, there are a whole lot more to learn as your relationship grows. And you may think these are a little foolish and frivolous, but truth of it is these are the little things that make relationships strong.
Everyday is a new learning experience for couples and some choose to learn, and some choose to go with what they think they know. The more you learn from your partner the better, and easier it will be to have that communication, and be able to ask those difficult questions. Why? Because you already know how they think, what there needs and wants are, plus you will both have the advantage of the trust factor. Trust within couples is only one key to a happy relationship, it will take some time and willingness to work together in order to find the rest. As long as you do it together there is nothing that can stop you. Remember, a good relationship means a happy home, and with a happy home comes many years of fulfillment and happiness. Like I said before I am not an expert in this field, but I have had my ups and downs in a 24-year marriage to my wife Cathie, and I did marry young, but the one thing we never did was fight. We would walk away from each other for a few minutes, but we always sat down to work it out. I am not going to sit here and tell you it’s a breeze, but I can tell you it will be as easy as you make it for yourself. Once you commit to a relationship whether it be living together, or marriage. that commitment is not just words, you’re committing to be as one.
There will be times when your bond will be tested, like it was tested for Cathie and I. The list below is how the bond between Cathie and I was tested.
· Job loss.
· Death of a child.
· Death of Cathie’s Mom.
· And ultimately my struggle was when Cathie passed.
I pray that none of what I listed happens, but if it does whatever you do, do not blame one another. That is the worst thing to do especially when most issues are really no one’s fault. Cathie and I watched and learned many things from families in the hospital going through what we were going through, and being in the hospital pretty much 24/7, you really get to know most of these people. Unfortunately, we also witnessed a lot of these same couples destroy each other verbally, accusing one another of something neither one had control over. Cathie and I would look at each other every time a situation arose, and sad to say but families were losing children every other week. And all you hear throughout the hallways “This is your fault” “This runs in your family, not mine.” And the most hurtful that will forever stick in my head “We lost our child because of you.” Those words will forever ring in my ears.
Cathie and I Stayed strong even after Melissa passed, but like I said in a different post, we had what I still say was some calming heavenly intervention. But none the less the last thing you want to do is accuse each other of something you both know is out of your control.
Remember folks,’ life is too short to struggle with a failing relationship. This goes for both parties, if you’re having too many issues within your relationship and you can’t seem to work it out, it may be time to separate and call it good. Don’t hold on to something that you know doesn’t work, and if there are children involved don’t have them suffer with your struggles as well, they don’t deserve that. If you do happen to work things out, great! Learn from your past mistakes, and learn to trust, cherish each other, and that will make for a better future with your partner, and for the kids if any.
A little list of things to remember.
· Trust each other.
· Communicate.
· Learn each other’s favorite things.
· Don’t place blame on each other.
· Place the children’s needs before your own.
I hope this post helps at least one person in the world.
Thank you, and God Bless.
Daniel Marrero.
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